Happy New Year!

We hope all of y’all are well and that 2008 is off to a great start for you and yours. Though we intended to get this missive out a bit earlier, sometimes things just happen when they happen. And so here’s the occasional annual letter from the Lavender-Mulkey household.

2007 was an exciting and eventful year for us. We were featured in an AP story that ran in more than 30 major newspapers across the US, complete with our photos (The story was about how couples handle money/financial issues.). Shonnie had her first keynote speaking gig (on five days notice) in Louisiana in the spring which was great, though it kept us from our annual visit to see loved ones in sunny Florida. She also taught two programs for clients of her mentor, Lance Secretan.

Shonnie also began graduate school, taking two classes in the early part of the year in the Organizational Leadership program at Gonzaga University. We took a trip to Chesapeake, Virginia to visit Shonnie’s brother and sister-in-law, Jason and Shevaun, and their kiddos, JC (6) and Marissa (3). They came down to visit us and camp in early fall. During the summer we hosted grandkids, Molly (12) and Jack (8), for their annual visit. We enjoyed games of Clue, Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings movies, and rafting on the Pigeon River. Jack wasn’t really into Captain Underpants this year, much to the disappointment of Bruce. But we did get a chance to alktay ayay otlay ofyay igpay atinlay againyay isthay earyay. Shonnie took a driving trip with her dad, Bob, in September, venturing through the amazing landscapes of Zion, Bryce, Escalante, Capitol Reef national parks (Utah). And we made a couple of trips over to Tullahoma, Tennessee to visit Bruce’s mom Sue and his sister, Nancy and her family.

2007 also saw Shonnie’s venture into a new business niche, combining her coaching and web design and marketing skills to serve as a blog coach for other small business owners. She taught numerous blogging classes, and designed several blogs for a variety of clients. From this experience she authored her second book (The Coaches’ Blog Book) and was invited to speak at the International Coach Federation Annual Conference in Long Beach, California in November.

Bruce, Shonnie and some friends organized the Asheville Live Earth event on 7/7/07 that drew more than 500 participants who joined with millions of other folks around the world to call for solutions to global warming. In November Bruce traveled to Louisiana to help rebuild homes damaged by Hurricane Katrina. It was a profound experience that he wrote about on his blog. Additionally he began to grow his business (writing, planning, book shepherding) and is garnering clients in new fields and new markets. Bruce has also completed the first draft of a new book with the working title Be Happy Now. In his spare time in the evening, Bruce typically reclines on the futon to watch Seinfeld reruns and get in-depth news coverage from Jon Stewart on The Daily Show.

After a long hiatus, Shonnie talked Bruce into running a road race on Thanksgiving Day (Turkey Trot 5K) which was quite fun. We both prefer trail running to road running, and afterwards Bruce swore (literally) that he’d never run another road race again. Our other athletic endeavors typically take place at the nearby YMCA where Shonnie participates in spinning classes and Bruce plays handball. Bruce also claims he’s going to start lifting weights again in 2008, but there’s been no evidence of that so far.

The kitties–Chocolate 19, Kaali 13, Attabi 12, Bandit 8 and Desmond 8–continue to be sources of great joy in our lives. Chocolate has had some health issues, so we’re getting proficient at giving pills and liquids without too much feline or human distress. And Bandit’s voracious appetite for fresh squirrel seemed to tail off some during the latter part of the year. Since we’re vegetarians with vegan tendencies, we’re pretty OK with that.

Big changes came about near year’s end when Shonnie decided to get braces for her teeth (apparently once wasn’t enough) and accept a job back in the “corporate world” (she realized that while fun and rewarding, working in a solo capacity isn’t what she most loves). She’s now the lead life skills/wellness coach for the Buncombe County Medical Society. She’ll work with low-income, uninsured people with diabetes, asthma, or congestive heart failure to help them make positive life choices to improve their health and overall lifestyle. She’s totally thrilled! All the while we continue to take steps to promote I Do! I Do! The Marriage Vow Workbook and bring this work to couples around the world.

Our 2008 plans are big, exciting and really meaningful to us! Life is filled with potential – at a personal, business and societal level, and we’re grateful to get to play our part in it all. It’s a really rich time, and we anticipate a journey ahead that is as rewarding as the year just concluded.

For those of you who sent us holiday cards, thank you for thinking of us during the magical winter celebrations. And we would enjoy hearing from all of you whenever time permits or the fancy strikes. Furthermore, if you’re planning to visit our lovely part of the world, please give us a holler so we can make plans to show you some of our favorite places in our unique city’s lively downtown and in the nearby mountains ranges.

May the promises of 2008 bear fruit that satisfies your deepest desires. We wish you each the very best, now, in the year ahead, always and in all ways.

Peace and love,

Bruce & Shonnie

Tuesday, January 15th, 2008

Blessing my past and letting it go

How I became accountable for my past, released myself from my transgressions and embraced the here and now

Without freedom from the past, there is no freedom at all, because the mind is never new, fresh, innocent.

The time is now, the place is here. Stay in the present. You can do nothing to change the past, and the future will never come exactly as you plan or hope for.

The past is finished. There is nothing to be gained by going over it. Whatever it gave us in the experiences it brought us was something we had to know.

After decades of denial, a few years ago it became clear to me that I had some unfinished business from my past to clean up with friends, acquaintances, relatives, former business associates, past romantic partners and even perfect strangers. For out of my own unconscious fears and beliefs about life/humanity/myself, I had often treated others disrespectfully, dishonestly, irresponsibly and unlovingly.

So I sat down to make my list of those with whom I wished to make amends. This list turned out to be six typed pages and included the names as well as the transgressions I’d committed from the 1950s to through the 2000s: an opponent I’d purposefully tried to injure in a high school football game; a college chum about whom I’d spread hurtful rumors; friends who I’d betrayed by engaging in dalliances with their wives and girlfriends; folks with whom I’d failed to fulfill outstanding financial obligations; customers whose trust I’d abused. This list was painful to look at, some of my actions were difficult to acknowledge.

A time for atonement
My plan was to contact each of these individuals to apologize for my actions and to ask for forgiveness. And I made a good start: I asked for and received forgiveness from a friend whose girlfriend I’d wooed away; I got closure on an auto deal never consummated with a friend in high school; I reconciled differences with someone I’d tried to throttle during a city league basketball game. But the enormity of the task proved to be too intimidating, and I got bogged down almost immediately each time I began.

Even though I now have a commitment to treat others with love and respect and clean up lapses in this commitment as I go, I knew that carrying around the remorse, guilt, shame and self-judgment about events of the past was a burden that must be released. For if my focus is on the past, how can I be passionately present in the moment? If I’m looking backward, how can I put my energy on my purpose and intentions for the here and now? If I’m burdened with regret, how can I tame the accuser in my mind and live joyfully? If I have not confronted and become accountable for my past, how can I claim to be a man of love, compassion and integrity? If I judge myself harshly, how can I be gentle and forgiving with others?

The wisdom of the runes
When I drew runes below a few weeks ago, I realized the time had come to lighten my load. Runes, by the way, are small stones on which symbols are inscribed that serve as an oracle from which one seeks advice on making decisions. Runes are drawn one by one from a small pouch, and the meaning each is then determined with the aid of an accompanying book.

On this particular autumn day, I was at a gathering at which the four of us present wished to gain clarity on our paths and how we might best proceed. Each of us drew three runes: the first rune provided the overview of our current situation, the second was the challenge and the third was the action. The runes I drew were:

• Gateway (Thurisaz): Stand at the gateway, review your past, bless it and let it go. Then step through the gateway.
• The Unknowable (Blank): Relinquish belief that you’re in control and leap into the unknown.
• Disruption (Hagalaz): Events beyond your control create radical disruption in your life, but your inner strength provides support and guidance at a time when everything you’ve taken for granted is being challenged.

Though I typically regard practices such as this with some skepticism, my three runes fit perfectly. After drawing the Gateway rune, however, it became clear to me that I would not carry my excess baggage with me into 2008. So on December 31, 2007, I looked over my list, added a few additional names and began the process of blessing my past and letting it go.

Seeking forgiveness
I contemplated each name, brought the face of that person into my consciousness, replayed the transgression in my mind and, in some instances, experienced how each of them might have felt in the face of my insensitivity. Finally, I told them that I was truly sorry for what I had done, and I asked for forgiveness. Miraculously, I had a sense that this forgiveness had already been given.

At the end of the process, I expanded my call for forgiveness to everyone who might have found themselves in the path of my thoughtless or hurtful behavior. And I reaffirmed my intention to be loving and respectful toward all humans, all living things and the Earth itself. I trusted that everyone who needed to hear my message would receive it at an energetic level and some might get it through reading this blog post.

Blessing the past
So after taking full responsibility for my behavior and its consequences, after making amends in my own way, it’s time for me to forgive myself. And I do so right here, right now. Not that I don’t understand that my past experiences have helped make me who I am today. For if I had not been so asleep, I might not have been ready to be awakened. If I had not felt the sting of hurting those who loved me, I might not have so fully valued my connection with them. If I had not finally sunk so low in my esteem for myself and others, I might not have seen that the only way to go was up.

Yes, I lived on the dark side—drinking, drugging, brawling, lusting, loathing, lashing out. And out of those experiences, I have come to know the truth of who I really am and how to live from that truth. And with the personal consciousness, wisdom and intuition I now acknowledge, I realize I have the power to bless my past, aware that it was an essential part of my path, and to let it go, ready now to step boldly into the unknown, into whatever Life has in store for me.

Note: If you are one toward whom I have behaved unlovingly, I take full responsibility for my actions and make no excuses. I am deeply sorry for any pain or suffering that you might have felt and hope you will find it in your heart to forgive me. You can count on me henceforth to treat you as I myself would wish to be treated. Furthermore, I invite you to share your thoughts and feelings about these matters if that is something you wish to do.

Tuesday, January 1st, 2008