Barack and Michelle’s relationship: A model of love and respect
During the course of the campaign, I’ve really appreciated the way Barack and Michelle Obama naturally express their personal connection, even in the most public forums. It’s obvious to me that they truly love and respect one another and aren’t afraid to let us in on it. Kathlyn and Gay Hendricks have more to say about the depth of the Obama’s relationship in their blog post below.
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One of the greatest benefits of an Obama presidency is hidden in plain sight: the relationship between Michelle and Barack. They provide a great role model of a healthy relationship, at a time when such models are sorely needed.
For example…
Imagine having a president who is not distracted from the nation’s business by the stresses of secrets
in the presidential marriage.
Imagine having a president who likes his partner and values her as an equal, a president who touches his wife affectionately in public and actually listens to her when she talks!
Fortunately we don’t have to imagine it, because we already have that potential at the tip of our voting fingers. For Americans, one of the most important aspects of an Obama presidency is being overlooked: the model of a healthy relationship. In the 28 years of our own marriage, we’ve worked with more than 4,000 couples in our office and seminars, so we have a reasonably good idea of what kinds of behavior one sees in a healthy relationship. For example, Michelle and Barack do something we’ve never seen before in a presidential couple: they actually look directly at each other when they’re speaking to each other. They also laugh at each other’s humor, and they allow their sexual attraction for each other to be visible. Contrast that with other presidential marriages, in which the sexual attraction to each other was not visible but their sexual attraction to others became highly visible. Michelle and Barack talk openly about their feelings for each other. They’re real. . . .
Friday, December 5th, 2008What guys really want
What do guys really want? Chicks with nice boobs? Copious amounts of cold beer? Plenty of sports? A really cool car? The new iPhone? Well, that
online video of Jennifer Aniston strolling topless down the beach is pretty titillating. And it’s hard to beat a pint of good ale with a hot slice of pizza. Furthermore, when our favorite team is competing on TV, family, social and business commitments are often out the window. And, yes, nice wheels are imperative. As are the latest gadgets from Apple.
But beneath all the grab ass, locker room banter and fascination with things that go fast (cars and computers alike), we guys have some deeper wants and needs that we don’t always share with our female counterparts. So in the interest of greater XX-XY harmony, here’s a list of what guys really want from the women in our lives.
We want you to tell us what you want. Of course, sharing what you really want from us doesn’t guarantee you’ll get it. But it sure as hell increases the odds. Plus it eliminates the need for us to make dubious assumptions, take half-assed guesses or play Kreskin and try to read your mind. For starters maybe you could tell us how and when you prefer to be touched, how you want to be comforted when you’re feeling low and what really turns you on in bed.
When we’re grumpy, sullen or withdrawn, we want you to understand that it’s
probably not about you. We guys have our ups and downs just like you do. Often we’re not even conscious of what’s going on. We just know something’s not quite right, and we tend to pull back. From your perspective, it may be easy to think we’re pissed at you or dissatisfied with the relationship, when frequently it’s just that we’re not at peace with ourselves, which brings us to . . .
We sometimes want time alone. Don’t take our desire for solitude personally. Occasionally we just want some down time to “be,” to consider our own wants and needs, to reconnect with who we really are so that we don’t become enmeshed with you, so that we can come back and offer you the best of who we are.
Just listen when we dream out loud. Sometimes we guys like to share our dreams aloud. When we do so we are not asking for your approval, feedback, opinion on how realistic they are or strategies for achieving them. We’re merely having fun envisioning future possibilities that we may or may not intend to actually manifest.
If you’re pissed about something, put it out straight. If we do something and you react with anger, we’d appreciate it if you’d share your displeasure then and there. It might not be very pleasant, but it’s a hell of lot better for us than being blindsided by pent up resentment that leaks out days or months after the original event occurred.
Be gentle with your language. Frequently teasing, clever banter and wisecracks directed toward us or toward the male sex in general are actually thinly disguised criticism and disapproval. This kind of behavior tears at the fabric of our connection, and when we’re on the receiving end, it hurts more than we’re typically willing to let on.
We like to be acknowledged. Let us know when we’ve done something for which you are grateful. A simple, sincere “thank you” can foster a stronger connection between us as well as increase our desire to replicate the action or way of being.
We want you to love us as we are. Guys are not here to live up to your expectations. We’re not projects or fixer-uppers. As the eminent philosopher Popeye
the Sailor Man once said, “I yam what I yam and that’s all what I yam.” Having said that . . .
We want you to help us remember who we are when we forget. As members of the human race, we sometimes forget who we really are and what the hell we’re doing here. At times like these we yearn for you to nudge us in the right direction. We may resist at first, but when you compassionately remind us of our strengths, our personal power and the gifts we have to offer the world, we’ll ultimately be deeply grateful for your love and support.
Fully commit to the relationship. Yeah, we know. We’re supposed to be the ones with commitment issues. But when we’re assured that you’re in all the way, the space is opened for us to join you. And when that happens, there’s no more looking around for someone better, no more “should I stay or should I go,” no more exit strategies. We’re both on firm ground and can relax and enjoy it.
When all’s said and done, we’re not the indifferent, irascible bad boys, the technoholic geeks or the politically correct metrosexuals we may sometimes appear to be. We’re just guys . . . with hearts and minds and spirits. Wanting to connect, wanting to love and be loved, wanting to express our tenderness toward you . . . but sometimes just aren’t quite sure how.
Oh, and about Jennifer Aniston’s boobs . . . they’re definitely not real.
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An earlier version of this post appeared in the June 2007 Y chromosome issue of Western North Carolina Woman. In addition, an abbreviated version of this post was entered in Problogger’s Top 5 Writing Project.
Saturday, June 2nd, 2007Our 8th anniversary celebration
Today is the eighth anniversary of our marriage, and we’re off to a two-day holiday in the mountains north of here to celebrate.
I created a card for Shonnie and gave it to her this morning:
Happy anniversary, my sweet Shonnie!
The longer we’re together, the more certain I am that we’re supposed to be. We’ve created such a rich and fulfilling life together in just eight (plus 2.5) years together, I look forward to seeing what we manifest in the coming decade. I love you, I love you, I love you!
Bruce
And Shonnie responded with a card and a note of her own:
Once upon a time
two people fell in love . . .
They took every smile and every tear,
a few differences of opinion,
some major triumphs,
and several minor miracles,
and turned them into something very beautiful.
I love what we’ve made together.
I love you.In just 8 years of marriage we’ve been on such a fantastic, interesting, challenging, opening, expanding, enjoyable journey. As this card says, “I love what we’ve made together.” I look forward to many more memories as we travel into our future. I feel confident in our abiity to find/create/follow the best life path for us and I feel grateful that we are so good at sharing all parts of the journey with love, grace, humor, agility and strength.
With love and gratitude, Shonnie
Yesterday I wrote about how we’ve created a rich and rewarding relationship. Below are my thoughts on this:
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Tomorrow we will have been married eight years. In addition, we lived together for more than two years prior to our marriage. Our relationship continues to grow, deepen and become more fulfilling. Some of the reasons for this include:
We were both clear about what we wanted in a primary relationship (and what we didn’t want) before committing to one another. In fact, I (Bruce) had a four-page typed list of attributes I wanted in a mate. Approximately ten of these were non-negotiable, including authenticity, integrity, compassion, physical attractiveness, athleticism, and commitment to personal and spiritual growth. By going through this process, I gained the clarity I needed as to who I was looking for and where they’d be hanging out. Then the Universe responded. I met Shonnie at a marathon training group in Austin in the summer of 1995.
We have a clear vision about where we want to go together. We are not on the exact same path, but we do have a similar vision of where we want to go in terms of right livelihood, spirituality, personal growth, sustainability, and service. To paraphrase Neale Donald Walsch, the two questions that must be answered are “Where are you going?” and “Who’s going with you?” And they must be answered in that order. Not to do so presents problems for couples, if not now, then somewhere down the road.
Our values are in alignment. We were clear that we both valued love, compassion, honesty, integrity, authenticity, commitment, impeccability, emotional and spiritual growth, generosity, service, gratitude, playfulness, and simplicity early in our relationship.
We made a deep and abiding commitment up front, and we keep that commitment. Before we moved in together, we created agreements about how we would be with one another. And before we married we created marriage vows for the ceremony and as commitments for how we would live our lives together.
We meet regularly to review our vows/commitments, acknowledge one another, and tell our truths. In fact, at each evening meal we state at least one thing we’re grateful for, then acknowledge each other for at least one thing they did that day.
We tell the truth. Each of us tells the truth even when we believe it might be challenging for the other to hear. And we do our best to really listen when that truth is being told.
We focus on what is working in the relationship and the positive attributes of one another. The tendency in today’s culture is to focus on what’s not working and what we don’t like about our partners. To do so, guarantees that more of the same will be created. On the other hand . . .
We clean up our space as we go. We step over nothing. For example, if I (Bruce) do something thoughtless, disrespectful or unloving, Shonnie has committed to bring it to my attention in a way that I can hear it.
We refuse to hold onto ill will. This is the real relationship killer—resentment that has built up over weeks, months, years and creates walls between partners. We have a process that we use regularly to cleanse ourselves of resentment.
We support each other to be fully authentic, rather than try to get our partner to become the person we sometimes might like him/her to be.
Thanks to all of you who have acknowledged us on our special day. And thanks to those of you–family and friends–who helped create our marriage weekend May 28-30, 1999. This remains one of our fondest memories during all of our time together.
By the way, if you’re interested in more resources on relationships, you might want to visit I Do! I Do!–No-nonsense Resources for Creating Your Ideal Relationship.
Wednesday, May 30th, 2007The secret is out! The top five things guys really want
What are the top five things guys really want? Chicks with nice boobs? Copious amounts of cold beer? Plenty of sports? A really cool car? The new iPhone? Well, that online video of Jennifer Aniston strolling topless down the beach is pretty titillating. And it’s hard to beat a pint of good ale with a hot slice of pizza. Furthermore, when our favorite team is competing on TV, family, social and business commitments are often out the window. And, yes, nice wheels are imperative. As are the latest gadgets from Apple.
But beneath all the grab ass, locker room banter and fascination with things that go fast (cars and computers alike), we guys have some deeper wants and needs that we don’t always share with our female counterparts. So in the interest of greater XX-XY harmony, here are the top five things guys really want from the women in our lives.
We want you to tell us what you want. Of course, sharing what you really want from us doesn’t guarantee you’ll get it. But it sure as hell increases the odds. Plus it eliminates the need for us to make dubious assumptions, take half-assed guesses or play Kreskin and try to read your mind. For starters maybe you could tell us how and when you prefer to be touched, how you want to be comforted when you’re feeling low and what really turns you on in bed.
When we’re grumpy, sullen or withdrawn, we want you to understand that it’s probably not about you. We guys have our ups and downs just like you do. Often we’re not even conscious of what’s going on. We just know something’s not quite right, and we tend to pull back. From your perspective, it may be easy to think we’re pissed at you or dissatisfied with the relationship, when frequently it’s just that we’re not at peace with ourselves, which brings us to . . .
We sometimes want time alone. Don’t take our desire for solitude personally. Occasionally we just want some down time to “be,” to consider our own wants and needs, to reconnect with who we really are so that we don’t become enmeshed with you, so that we can come back and offer you the best of who we are.
We want you to love us as we are. Guys are not here to live up to your expectations. We’re not projects or fixer-uppers. As the eminent philosopher Popeye the Sailor Man once said, “I yam what I yam and that’s all what I yam.” Having said that . . .
We want you to help us remember who we are when we forget. As members of the human race, we sometimes forget who we really are and what the hell we’re doing here. At times like these we yearn for you to nudge us in the right direction. We may resist at first, but when you compassionately remind us of our strengths, our personal power and the gifts we have to offer the world, we’ll ultimately be deeply grateful for your love and support.
When all’s said and done, we’re not the indifferent, irascible bad boys, the technoholic geeks or the politically correct metrosexuals we may sometimes appear to be. We’re just guys . . . with hearts and minds and spirits. Wanting to connect, wanting to love and be loved, wanting to express our tenderness toward you . . . but sometimes just aren’t quite sure how.
Oh, and about Jennifer Aniston’s boobs . . . they’re definitely not real.
Thursday, May 10th, 2007Publicity hounds Lavender and Mulkey are at it again!
In our ongoing promotional campaign for I Do! I Do! The Marriage Vow Workbook, Shonnie and I were featured in a recent AP column, “On the Money.” This story, along
with photos, has appeared in 20+ newspapers around the country including the Washington Post, the Boston Globe, the Sacramento Bee and the New Orleans Times-Picayune.
The photo to the right shows us with the bowls we use to manage our money, a system we learned at a Peak Potentials workshop in Atlanta. We have set up six bowls to divide up our money for day-to-day expenses and other things we want to do, like giving to worthy organizations, investment, education and just having fun. (Chuck Burton—AP Photo)
Couples can find joint money strategies
By EILEEN ALT POWELL — AP Business Writer
Wednesday, February 7, 2007
NEW YORK (AP) Bruce Mulkey and Shonnie Lavender have a lot in common when it comes to love and marriage, but not when it comes to money.
Mulkey and Lavender met more than a decade ago while training for a marathon. They married in 1999 and shared their thinking about marital commitment in their book “I Do! I Do! The Marriage Vow Workbook.” But the Asheville, N.C., couple said it took them a long time to figure out how to handle their finances together. (more…)
Saturday, February 10th, 2007Our national TV debut
Shonnie and I are scheduled to appear on Simple Living, a PBS show that is broadcast nationally. Below is Shonnie’s post from our I Do! I Do! blog. By the way, if you live in Western North Carolina, the Simple Living show on which we will appear airs this Sunday, January 21 at 6:30 p.m. on UNC-TV, Channel 8.
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The Marriage Vow Workbook I coauthored with my phenomenal husband, Bruce Mulkey. We now use the book to coach couples through the writing of their wedding vows and preparing for marriage (a healthy, happy, fulfilling marriage, of course). Of course we do workshops for couples, relationship teleclasses, book signings and media appearances. Many of these events are regional, so you likely haven’t met us yet. Well now is your chance . . . because we’re going to be on a television near you as we make our
national television debut!
So, if you’re looking for free, inspirational, and practical ideas for your wedding, be sure to watch the Simple Weddings episode of Simple Living with Wanda Urbanska. It’s a PBS show televised in most markets nationwide. It is due to air sometime between January 15 and January 22. To find out when it airs in your town, click here.
Here are some of the wedding resources you’ll find on the show:
- Be inspired by the wedding of Eddie McGee and Anna Nixon. This couple involved friends and family in creating their wedding ceremony. Their vehicles of choice after the reception were their bicycles.
- Marriage experts, none other than yours truly, Shonnie Lavender and Bruce Mulkey, share insights on how to write your own wedding vows and plan for a successful marriage right from the start.
- Get tips from wedding experts on creating a ceremony that is green, meaningful, and even low cost.
Please pass the word along to any friends who are engaged and looking for ideas on creating a meaningful, unique, and magical wedding. Feel free to stop by our blog after the show and let us know what you thought.
Wednesday, January 17th, 2007Creating your ideal relationship
Yes, you can create the relationship you’ve been longing for. Doing so takes willingness, and it takes commitment. More than anything, however, it requires the awareness that you create your own reality. No one else is responsible. Just you. So if you really want something other than the reality you’re currently living, fully commit to the seven behaviors below and begin creating something different for yourself. You’re welcome to check out an earlier post (“My story and I’m sticking with it”) to learn how my relationship with my wife, Shonnie, was manifested.)
1. Fully commit to one another. Making a commitment to someone is ultimately a matter of choice. So there’s really no excuse not to fully commit to your partner. What’s more, being committed can be deeply liberating. No more looking around for someone better, no more “should I stay or should I go,” no more exit strategies. You’re in all the way, and you can relax and enjoy it.
2. Be clear about your purpose in life and live it fully. Get in touch with your purpose in life. Why are you here? What would you be doing if you didn’t believe you had to earn a living? What will you ultimately do with this one cherished life that you have been given? Discover your individual purposes and support each other to go for them with gusto.
3. Create a compelling vision for your relationship. Envision what you want to create, your biggest dreams for yourselves—individually and together. Then, on a regular basis imagine that your vision has already come to pass, and feel the feelings that accompany this visualization. Presto, you’re on your way to attracting what you want into your life and making it a reality.
4. Make agreements with one another and keep them. Make agreements about how you will be with one another and what you will do together to move yourselves toward your vision. These can be marriage vows, recommitment vows or any other type of agreements you choose. Create a regular ritual during which you review your agreements, speak them aloud to one another and, with no recrimination, recommit to those that you haven’t upheld.
5. Make your word law. When you tell your partner (or anyone else) that you’ll do something, do it. No excuses. When you get right down to it, your word is all you have. By consistently keeping it, you’ll nurture your self-esteem and engender trust between you and your partner.
6. Really listen to one another. Listening is a skill that few truly master. When our partner is speaking, we’re often thinking about our response to what is being said, discounting our partner’s thoughts because they doesn’t match up with our beliefs, wondering what’s for dinner, etc. Practice really listening to your partner, then mirror back what was said so he/she really knows you got the true intention of the words that were spoken.
7. Acknowledge one another regularly. To create a great relationship it’s essential that we really acknowledge our partner’s achievements, be it something they’ve done, something they’ve said or a way of being they’ve exhibited. Some words and phrases that are meant for speaking aloud often and with feeling:
- Congratulations!
- Well done! Way to go!
- Thank you.
- What I know to be true about you is . . .
- I love you just as you are.
- When I’m with you, I feel . . .
Cross posted at the I Do! I Do! Relationship blog. To be continued . . .
Saturday, December 30th, 2006Since this is my third marriage, how can I write credibly about the importance of marriage vows?
Good question. And given the fact that I coauthored I Do! I Do! The Marriage Vow Workbook, I figure sooner or later someone will ask it. So here’s the answer:
Both of my former wives were lovely and loving women, and my time with them was filled with periods of deep connection as well as periods of great challenge. However, being immature and irresponsible, I knew very little about commitment–what it meant to be faithful to a significant other. In addition, there were no basic agreements in my first two marriages about how we would be with one another and how we would sustain our relationship. It was like trying to play a baseball game without any rules. How many outs per inning? Three? Four? Five? Is catching the ball on one hop an out or do you have to catch it on the fly? Without such an essential element of a successful long-term relationship, it’s really no wonder that we ultimately grew apart and divorced.
After my second divorce, I retreated to a little cottage in the hills outside Austin, Texas. I had been with an uninterrupted stream of women my entire life—first my mom, next my girlfriends, then my two wives—and now was a time for me to focus on myself rather than the other. I lived there the better part of five years, with my cat, Chocolate, as my only companion. I got clear about who I was—not the macho, tough guy I sometimes pretended to be, but not the wimpy, new-age guy either. I got clear about my purpose in life. And I got clear about the kind of woman I wanted to share my life with. And wouldn’t you know it: As soon as I put my explicit intention out to the Universe, the woman of my dreams showed up.
Though totally unaware of one another’s existence, both Shonnie and I serendipitously joined a marathon training program during the hot Austin Texas summer of 1995. Based on a time trial, we both were placed in the intermediate runners, a group composed of approximately thirty runners. As our group’s numbers dwindled in the months preceding the race, a handful of us continued to train together at Lake Austin every Saturday morning, completing the Austin Motorola Marathon together in February 1996. And though the remaining members of our group sometimes went out for pancakes at the Magnolia Café after our weekly runs, we typically didn’t see each other outside our workouts. So one Saturday we made plans to go out for music and a few beers. When the appointed time arrived, however, only two runners showed up—me and Shonnie. And the rest, as they say, is history.
A few months later when Shonnie and I entered a committed relationship with Shonnie, we decided we would create commitments and an intention for our relationship before we moved in together. Thus we had agreements about how we would be with one another that served us right from the beginning, agreements that still hang on our bedroom wall. When we were preparing for our marriage, we devoted a lot of time and attention to the creation our marriage vows and our intention for our marriage. With these sacred commitments in place, we’re clear about which behaviors are acceptable and which are not. We’re assured that neither of us has any intention of deliberately doing or saying anything disrespectful or unloving. We give each other permission to speak up when he/she sees something that’s incongruent in the other’s words or actions. We support one another to grow, to expand, to fully be oneself. We acknowledge our individual and joint successes and commiserate when things don’t turn out as we’d planned. We envision our future together and work to create it. All of this from our steadfast love for one another and these sacred vows we are pledged to uphold.
Saturday, October 7th, 2006
